Vampire Taxonomy Read online

  So could a common vampire walking the streets today take to the skies like a devil bird? Probably not, unless you’re dealing with an ancient evil, or a creature that can transform into an animal.

  Vampire GPS

  One useful talent possessed by vampires is their internal GPS.

  Vampires rarely get lost or need directions. Their life on the road comes naturally, as their minds are programmed to be aware of their whereabouts even in their sleep. This makes long traveling days in a car with blacked-out windows much easier. Who needs rearview mirrors when you can sense the environment all around you?

  Vamps employ this ability through their lackeys and those they’ve bitten. When a vampire bites into a human, he has made a connection, and can therefore keep tabs (rather creepily) on his surroundings as well as his lunch (these human servants are often referred to as familiars).

  This internal GPS is also a fantastic security alarm. It’s a rare and almost impossible feat to sneak up on a vampire. Vamps have usually made a few enemies in the course of their undead existence, whether they’ve made mistakes and lashed out in anger or hunger, or they’ve decided to crusade against their own kind as the Tragic Hero. Either way, keeping a safe perimeter is always important, and vampires’ heightened senses and internal awareness keep them continually informed of their surroundings.15

  WEAKNESSES

  Sunlight

  Even though we’ve all seen and heard about the vampires who walk in the day, generally speaking, most vampires experience a strong immunological resistance to sunlight. Most vamps begin to crackle, pop, and simmer under UV rays, and if overexposed they can literally burst into a mess. Disregarding liberally applied suntan lotion, spells, and the off chance that they’ve stumbled upon an ancient protective ring,16 almost all vampires are subject to discomfort at the least and immolation at the worst when in range of the sun.17

  THE SPARKLE FACTOR

  As of late, there has been great debate surrounding the sunlight factor and its effect on the epidermis of a vampire; yes, we’re speaking of the “real vampires don’t sparkle” controversy surrounding the Twilight vamps.

  So, do some vampires sparkle in the sun? Because most pop culture myths have some basis in historical fact, it’s a possibility. But in the end it’s difficult to say. There are no ancient myths of glittering vampires, although we do know that some species of vamps can freely stroll about in the daytime. The stance on sparkle is going to have to remain in the air until more than one pop culture outlet can agree that vampires have mutated, evolved, or always retained the glimmering ability.

  Stakes

  The seemingly most reliable way to end a vampire pest problem is a stake, or “Mr. Pointy” as it’s so lovingly called in the Buffy series. A sharp wooden stake to the heart means immediate death for just about all vampires, minus a few Big Bads who may need a little nudging from other vampire-be-gone tricks. Also, as some vampires react poorly to silver, a silver stake can be twice as deadly in some cases.

  Religious Paraphernalia

  Crosses, holy water, priests, and blessings—back in the days of old, this was all a human needed to keep a nosferatu at bay. Take note: Those days are gone.

  When religion was the government and vice versa, it was easy to peddle religious signs as believable weapons against evil. Why wouldn’t people look for defense from something they find solace in?

  However, in most cases today, vampires have seemingly begun to build up an immunity to such religious symbols. More and more we’re seeing new crops of vampires who aren’t stopped in their tracks at the sight of the cross; instead, they’re only made uncomfortable or irritated. The well-placed cross here and there has still managed to burn a few vampire hands, but it’s not going to shield you from a supernatural right hook. That being said, ancient undiluted evil still manages to feel at least some effects from these past religious defense mechanisms. So should you put all your trust behind a bottle of holy water? No, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth a shot. If anything, it may cause enough annoyance to allow you the opportunity to escape.

  CAN A VAMPIRE CROSS A RIVER?

  Although ancient vampires still seem to be put off by the river crossing, today’s vampires are either not bothered at all by this old superstition or just slightly weakened (a perfect example being The Vampire Diaries, where more powerful vampires are the only ones affected by crossing running water). This is similar to the no-longer-as-potent religious mediums.

  Human Food

  Vampires are a finicky lot; giving up their diet of blood seems to have different effects on every vampire. For example, when Andy Warhol’s protagonist in Blood for Dracula strays from his strict diet of virginal blood only (or is lied to about the status of a victim’s chastity), it’s a blood-filled trip to the toilet for him, face first. Yet other vampires (The Vampire Diaries, Fright Night) have little to no problem ingesting human food, though it offers them zero nutritional value. Clearly this is a bloodline issue, and it’s best to ask before cooking up a meal and expecting rave reviews from a member of the undead.

  VEGAN VAMPS

  Whether a taste preference, dietary issue, or moral choice, many vampires go vegan, forsaking human blood and opting for a less dangerous dinner, whether it be animal blood or a synthetic replacement. The world of vegan vampirism is thriving.

  These days, it seems like everyone is claiming to be a vegan vampire, but the reality of the situation is, if the vampire is drinking human blood, be it from blood packets, banks, or consenting donors, they’re not technically a “vegan” vampire. Instead they’re more of a “restricted diet” vamp.

  In Vampires Anonymous, a telephone and sponsored program are offered for vamps that are ready to kick the human habit. There’s even a test to determine what type of animal blood they’d prefer; in the main character’s case, it turns out to be sheep. Jeremy Capello from My Best Friend Is a Vampire is seen with cases of canned pigs’ blood; Boya from Blood & Donuts feasts on local city creatures—pigeons and rats; and the Southern Vampire series and related TV show True Blood feature the booming market of Tru Blood, a synthetic blood beverage for vampires. The Cullens from the Twilight series battle their bloodlust daily and hunt animals for blood in the forest. Stefan Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries attempts to stick to animal blood as well.

  Invitation Inside

  It seems that whether old or new, most vampires still hold true to the ancient belief that they must be invited into a home before entering. The question of what will happen if a vampire enters an abode without the permission of the owner first was answered quite gruesomely in Let the Right One In, which showed the Child Vampire Eli hemorrhaging blood from every orifice. But like all things Twilight, it would seem that rules are meant to be broken in this world and open windows are ripe for creepy nighttime watch sessions, invitation or no.

  CAN YOU TAKE A VAMPIRE’S PICTURE?

  Usually yes, but only with a digital camera for some. The use of silver in past camera processing stopped most vampiric images from showing up on film, so says Moonlight’s Mick St. John. The urban legend about photographs presumably stems from the mirror myth, which holds that you can’t see vampires in a mirror. Many vampires suffer from a lack of a reflection, but it seems that it is bloodline specific; the Maker passes it down to his or her vampire children and so forth, which means that while some vampires can have their pictures taken and will appear in the reflection of a mirror, others cannot.

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  ROMANTIC VAMPIRES

  HEMOPHAGE ROMANORUM

  “You are my life now,” he answered simply.

  —Edward, Twilight

  Arguably the most famous class of pop culture vampire is the Romantic Vampire. These days, Hemophage romanorum has the most loyal and dedicated stream of fans, thanks to the media’s obsession with vampires in love. The intense popularity of this classification has led many a human on the hunt for that gaunt, misunderstood vampire lover who awaits “the one.”
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br />   The typical portrayal of the Romantic Vampire in the media, however, leaves people utterly unprepared for interaction with the real volatile deal. This specific class of vampire is often abused and neglected, harbors deep-seated issues about his past, and most likely was a participant in a bloody massacre or two.

  Skipping merrily into this type of vamp’s embrace without an education on what’s exactly behind those big shiny eyes can end poorly for both parties involved if the interaction is not handled with care. Should things turn foul, knowing how to identify, approach, and politely exit a Romantic Vampire encounter improves your chances of emerging unscarred.

  FROM CAPE TO COUTURE: PHYSICAL IDENTIFIERS

  Attire

  Romantic Vamps are meticulously groomed. Expect their eyebrows to be plucked, faces washed, nails cleaned, and lips pursed (as well as questionably glossy), and the subject to be expertly accessorized. Call it a necessity of evolution or merely another way to lure in unsuspecting prey, but vampires in the Romantic category are devoted to the ever-changing tides of fashion and love to primp themselves with the best of threads and trinkets.

  The vampire fervor for fashion is so well known that many corporations have shelled out the big bucks to capture that immortal demographic.18 Attire can be a key facet in identifying a suspected vampire on the hunt for another love victim. You won’t see a Romantic Vamp traipsing around late-night haunts in a woolly “Cosby” sweater or last season’s corduroy jacket. Poor attire draws negative attention from both the public and, more important, a desired mate. A fashion faux pas can become a telltale sign that this being is not of the here and now, and if so, the vamp will ditch it. No matter how sentimental the clothing item might be, survival comes first.19 Rest assured that Romantic Vampires, fictional or not, will stow away such goods for safekeeping or the second coming (waste not, want not).

  True Romantic Vamps naturally look like they belong among the upper echelon of any society without lifting even a well-manicured finger. Their look appears, above all things, classic yet modern. They seem to have stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine with an effortless and beautiful leap.

  That being said, do be wary when dealing with a supposed immortal who’s still sporting a “Frankie Say Relax” shirt, because you most likely have a poser or a misguided Villain on your hands. Either way, get out of the situation immediately because the only thing worse than dealing with a vampire wannabe is crossing paths with a Villainous Vamp who hasn’t had a good meal since George Michael was in Wham!

  MADE FOR LOVIN’: PHYSICAL FEATURES

  Even though Romantic Vampires are choosy about their street attire, this in no way means the lovelorn vampire should be dismissed as a foppish creature unworthy of your respect. The finicky mannerisms hardly mask the genetic advantage this vampire classification has in terms of sexual appeal. Their physical allure is formidable even to the mightiest of Villainous Vamps—not to mention that it makes them practically irresistible to the rest of us mere mortals. When dealing with the Romantic Vampire, be aware of what is real and what is purely Mother Nature playing with your carnal desires.

  Skin

  One seduction tool in the Romantic Vampire’s repertoire is the skin. Romantic Vampires have no need for mortal exfoliation, under-eye cream, or even lotion; they don’t wrinkle with age or look worn down (unless they haven’t eaten, but even that is easily remedied). Once created, they’re gifted with a flawless complexion that only grows more marble-esque over the years. Although their exterior may be cold to the touch, it has a pleasing feel to it. The beauty of their unblemished cheeks calls out to mortals, but like the smooth lines of an ancient Roman statue, it’s best not to touch.

  The full turning doesn’t just stop with blemishes, bags, and wrinkles. Some pop culture vampire chroniclers believe that the vampiric cure-all kiss of eternal life will replace missing parts of flesh and scars. The perfect pop culture example is from Christopher Moore’s You Suck, in which the turning ritual also returned body bits below the belt that were once surgically removed. Vampire Tommy wakes up to find himself brand new, as his previous circumcision has been reverted. So it sounds like a bris can quite possibly be undone.

  Eyes

  Nothing is as captivating as holding a vampire’s gaze. Forget mind control; just the color change an immortal’s iris goes through will leave you stunned and speechless (see Common Vampire Eye Colors on page 13). The media has always paid specific attention to the eyes of the Romantic Vampire. When a Villainous Vampire has a victim under his thrall, the color of the evil being’s eyes is mentioned, but not harped upon. But when dealing with a Romantic Vampire, the love victim is often found mesmerized and trapped in gold hues, ice-blue tints, or frightening reds. Perhaps the excessive attention paid to this class’s eyes is simply because very few other classifications of vampire would let mortals so close and allow them to live to tell of it.

  First and foremost, Romantic Vampires use the eyes to hold one’s attention. This allows them to drone on about their loveless life or sorrows without seeming like they’re telling any old sob story. The other and far more publicized ability of the vampire stare is its seductive draw. Although many Villains charm their prey with deceptive behavior, the Romantics continue to seduce, albeit ever so lightly, with the eyes. One of the earliest records of such sexual seduction through vampiric gaze is Lord Ruthven, who is often credited with making vampires “sexy.” Next in line as the vampire sex icon is Béla Lugosi’s Dracula, who, by today’s standards, would be considered a Romantic Vampire.20

  Although a Tragic Vampire or even a Villainous Vamp can strike terror and fear into a victim’s heart with a mere blink of the eyelid, Romantic Vampires can keep their love victims spell-bound and randy for hours, without the use of much mind control. Call it a reflection of the Romantics’ desire or pure sexual chemistry; it’s one of the Romantics’ most effective techniques for a love encounter.

  Fangs

  You can’t separate sex and fangs when it comes to the Romantic Vampire.21 Whether you’re partaking in the pleasures of the flesh or abstaining, when a fanged vampire gets sexually excited, you’ll most likely be facing two pointy pearly whites.

  Although vampires can openly release their fangs during sexual stimulation (both mentally and physically), it is a personal preference. Some Romantic Vamps are embarrassed by Mother Nature’s warning sign. These particular nosferatu are normally exceedingly skilled in the art of self-control. A vampire can learn how to control the telltale sign of excitement so as to not frighten off a possible mate or date.

  The actual fangs of Romantic Vamps are similar to the creature: delicate and chic, but deadly. When talking to a Romantic Vampire, if you’re privy to a “fang slip,” it’s best to steer the conversation away from flirtatious talk or you may find yourself an unwilling volunteer for vampiric infatuation.

  Excluding the fangless breeds, Hemophage romanorum’s chompers normally fall into two categories. The first is a set of canines quite similar to the rattlesnake reptile (see figure 1 on page 15). The front set of fangs can flick out if the vamp is excited, angry, or scared.22

  The second set of fangs common to the Romantics appears to grow out of the gum line, located in the front of the mouth (see figure 3 on page 15.)

  The release of the fangs puts the vampire in a heightened level of sensual awareness, opening up an ultrasensitive pathway in the mouth that directly connects to the pleasure center of the brain.

  Nails

  The Romantic Vampire can be easily identified through its hands and nails. Romantic Vamps’ fingers are longer than those of a normal human’s. Their nails will also be slightly longer, but not ghoulish or threatening. Look for delicate yet powerful hands with glimmering fingernails—even on the males.23 If they shine like glass and cut the flesh, you’ve got someone who is Romantic but living-challenged.

  Hair

  Although many physical characteristics of the Romantic Vampire are a lovely sight to behold, the
tragic flaw of this class is a lack of discerning taste for hairstyles. From their earliest incarnations, Romantic Vamps have carried questionable coiffures atop their heads. It first started with a general misuse of hair product.24 From the 1930s to the 1950s, there was a veritable clan of grease tops who shoveled hair gel down their slicked-back skulls.

  The 1980s saw a renaissance of strong widow’s peaks on most lovesick undead. Although many members continued to support the greased-back style, other immortals opted for bleach abuse. The general need for vampire conditioner hit alarming heights in the 1980s, but vampires continued to bleach and grease their heads.25

  The 1990s brought in a period of heavily gooed and spiked ’dos,26 shortly followed by the modern-day combination of hair goop and not showering that we see so often today.27 This is one of those rare media representations of a classification that seems to have hit the nail on the coffin, so to speak.