Vampire Taxonomy Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 - THE COMPLETE VAMPIRE

  Chapter 2 - ROMANTIC VAMPIRES

  Chapter 3 - VILLAINOUS VAMPIRES

  Chapter 4 - TRAGIC VAMPIRES

  Chapter 5 - HALFIES

  Chapter 6 - CHILD VAMPIRES

  Chapter 7 - VAMPIRE TRIBES, CLANS, COVENS, AND CLUTCHES

  Chapter 8 - LIVINGIN AN UNDEAD WORLD

  GLOSSARY

  RESOURCES

  Acknowledgements

  INDEX

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  A PERIGEE BOOK

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  Copyright © 2009 by Meredith Woerner

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  eISBN : 978-1-101-15948-4

  1. Vampires—Humor. I. Title.

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  INTRODUCTION

  I am Dracula, and I bid you welcome . . .

  —Count Dracula, Bram Stoker’s Dracula

  Take a deep breath. Everything you’ve been hoping, dreaming, or dreading is true: Vampires do indeed walk among us, no longer hidden in the shadows.

  They attend our schools, sit on a stool next to us at our favorite pub, ride with us on the subway—they may even be our friends or neighbors.

  So how does one deal with the day-to-day member of the undead?

  With this guide, you’ll begin your vampire education, learning how to decipher whether the person next door is a vampire, and if that vamp is friend or foe. Vampire Taxonomy was created in hopes of separating vampire truth from lies, to educate the masses on the rich history of pop vampirism.

  WHY NOW?

  Today, images of vampires confront us everywhere we look: Hordes of shrieking human fans wait in line to catch a glimpse of an actor pretending to be the immortal lover of their dreams, vampire kits are sold in bookstores, vampire-named bands climb the charts and fill our iPods, bite mark bandages sell in novelty stores, Twitter offers up vampire-centric backgrounds, there are vampire wines and energy drinks (“Vamp: for when the sun goes down”), Vlad D’Impaler has a Facebook page and operates Vampire. com from the comfort of his laptop in his coffin, and ancient undead lords in Muppet form teach our children how to count to five. Vampire society has literally infiltrated popular culture.

  But it’s not all hilarious puns and witty fang jokes. Real vampires do exist, and the rapid growth of vampire phenomena in popular culture is quiet but steady proof of the ever-expanding vampire race present in our world today. The more socially acceptable the vampire way becomes, the more it’s likely that real vampires are leaking out actual nosferatu fact among our fiction.

  Is this to say that all rumors about vampires are true? Heavens, no. But hopefully after thumbing through the pages of this book, you will finish with a well-rounded education on the vampires who live among you today.

  No longer can we ignore the vampiric societal impact. It’s only a matter of time before we reach the undead tipping point and vampire assimilation begins aggressively taking over our streets and towns. When this happens, you’ll need to know exactly what works and what doesn’t if you are to survive your day-to-day dealings with the undead.

  NOW WHAT?

  This is where Vampire Taxonomy comes in. Consider this book a guide to sussing out what is real and what is fake in the vampire world.

  In the following pages, we’ll examine the vampire specimen and discuss its origins, physical makeup, and attitude.1 After acquiring a general knowledge of the species, you’ll learn how to deal with the fanged (or sometimes defanged) creature. Using evidence gleaned from a variety of media resources including books, films, TV, and otherwise, you’ll discover the different classifications of vampires, how to identify a potentially lethal immortal from the annoying stalker love puppies, and how to assess the level of danger and proper human response to any vampire—friend or foe.

  Finally, you’ll receive real-life advice that can be used as a step-by-step guide to getting you through many common vampire situations. What should I do if my lab partner is a vampire who doesn’t seem to have a problem with the way I smell? What should I do in the event of a vampire uprising? What’s the proper etiquette when meeting a vampire’s ex-lover? All of these important and practical concerns will be answered in Chapter 8.

  WHY SHOULD I CARE?

  As previously stated, vampire popularity is reaching an all-time high, but with this newfound celebrity and idolization comes a misguided and unfounded sense of security. Pop culture vampires are becoming so wildly accepted and packaged that we’re forgetting what the vampire mind really wants.

  Blood.

  They’re after yours and your families’ and loved ones’, and just because we’re living in a world that is embracing the undead doesn’t mean one should sheepishly and blindly follow the trend. No, not all vampires are evil and hungry for the sweet blood of a virgin. But not all vampires are tragic loners looking for their one true love, either.

  What we know for sure is that any and every vampire should be treated with caution. You can no longer turn a blind eye to the children of the night. Your life may be at stake.

  1

  THE COMPLETE VAMPIRE

  I am neither good, nor bad, neither angel nor devil, I am a man, I am a vampire.

  —Michael Romkey, I, Vampire

  Before discussing the various classifications of the vampire species, it is important to ha
ve a basic understanding of the typical specimen. Whether dealing with Romantic, Tragic, or Villainous Vampires, it will be helpful to know some general information about vampires in order to make an informed classification. This chapter will examine the many important features of the vampire, including the physical attributes of the fang and the great sparkle debate.

  Although all attempts have been made here to present a general guideline for vampires, they’re a constantly evolving and shifting species. We attempted to include all the general identifiers, history, and weaknesses of the most common vampires. But while you read this, somewhere out there a vampiric strain could very well be mutating to bring us a new bloodline of nosferatu with talents and traits we haven’t seen before. It’s a growing underground world shrouded in secrecy, so who knows what will await the supernatural world when the sun goes down?

  WHERE DO VAMPIRES COME FROM? VAMPIRE HERITAGE

  The great mystery surrounding vampire creation has brought forth numerous tales of mystical lore. There are theories dating back to ancient folklore stating that children born with red hair and blue eyes were doomed to vampirism.2 However, the hundreds of theories on vampire heritage don’t help in finding a clear lineage from a first vampire Mother and Father to the leather-jacketed beasties you see roaming the streets today.

  Will we ever know the original answer, as most vampires themselves hardly know who they are and where they came from? It’s difficult to say. Most vampires in the know guard their secrets with fang and claw, so it may be a while until we have final confirmation on where this whole bloody mess began. But until then, it’s at least good to have some theories.

  The Mark of Cain and Lilith

  One ancient theory as to how we got so many vampires running around is all thanks to the original first Earth lady—no, not Eve, but Lilith. According to ancient Jewish Apocrypha texts, Lilith was created first by God for the original man, Adam. Both Adam and Lilith were created from the Earth, and because they both came from the same place, Lilith refused to remain under Adam’s thumb. When they couldn’t see eye to eye, Lilith left Eden to start her own family (hence the next model human, Eve, was made from Adam’s side, so she would always stay close).

  God, not happy with the change in plans, sent a few angels to fetch her back to Eden. Lilith made a deal with the angels so she could live on her own and in return became the mother of all demons.

  Meanwhile Adam and Eve had their children Cain and Abel. As a young man Cain became jealous of his little brother and murdered him in a rage. Cain was then banished from his family’s land and given a telltale “mark”; what exactly the mark constitutes is up for debate. As legend tells it, Cain stumbled into Lilith’s territory, and the two hit it off. Their future children become the vampires we now know today.

  Although there is no reference to Lilith in the Bible or the Torah (just in the Jewish Apocrypha texts that have yet to be confirmed and fall outside what the religion believes), Cain’s unholy brood and a possible Lilith figure are referenced in Beowulf.3

  Judas Iscariot

  The other ancient theory popular among vampire creationists is the idea that vampires have all stemmed from the cursed former friend of Jesus, Judas Iscariot, the apostle who betrayed Christ and turned the Son of God over to the Romans. As folklore tells it, Judas, who ransomed Jesus for thirty silver pieces and then later committed suicide, was hexed. He and his entire family were cursed for their betrayal, and also for the suicide (which is considered a mortal sin). It does, however, lend some credence to the idea that silver is a vampire repellent.4

  Vlad and Friends

  Most vampire enthusiasts are aware that the historical figure Vlad III the Impaler, Prince of Wallachia, was more rumored than plausible as the Father of the vampiric species. The hype surrounding his surname, Dracula (Romanian for “son of the dragon”), is due to the success of Bram Stoker’s work and the Dracula franchise. That being said, Vlad is a good example of the vampire heritage legend in which people in the past were punished for their unholy actions by being transformed into vampires. Vlad is infamously known as a brutal ruler and callous torturer. Rumor has it he was never stingy dealing out beheadings, burnings, boil ings, skinnings, and, his favorite, impalings (hence his nickname). Eventually he was made to pay for his evil ways, though Dracula film lore would have you believe his transformation was all for love. It’s easy to see how a historical savage could in legend get linked to an evil immortal being.

  Other legends about humans so foul that they’ve turned vampire include rumored torturer and bloodbather Elizabeth Báthory and a small group of French knights from the Crusades. These unholy knights feasted on the flesh of their troops in order to stay alive while stranded in combat. This is where it gets a little blurry: Either the knights were promised immortal life by a demon or changed on their own because of their shameful cannibalism. Either way, they were left as vampires. Some legends have all of the knights (except one sacrifice) leaving the war and starting vampire clans across the globe; others have one knight leaving on his own, soulless, ready to populate the world with vampires.5

  THE ORIGINAL TWILIGHT?

  In 1887, an Irish author named Bram Stoker published Dracula. It wasn’t a bestseller, but wasn’t critically panned—in fact, it received a lot of praise. In 1899, it was published in America. From there it was translated into a play by Hamilton Deane (the man responsible for changing Drac from vile villain to gentleman), and eventually made its way to Broadway in 1927, featuring Béla Lugosi as the title character. The show ended up being Lugosi’s springboard into cinema, where he donned the silken cape and genteel attitude.

  But it was the 1922 German film Nosferatu that really got the hype machine started around Dracula. The unauthorized version of Stoker’s Dracula was a silent film by Friedrich Wilhelm and starred Max Schreck as the infamous bulbous-headed Count Orlock. (It is also the film that singlehandedly popularized the concept that vampires could be killed with sunlight; even Dracula in the original novel can go out during the day.) The film kicked up a lot of legal dirt. Stoker’s wife attacked the film for copyright infringement, and the case resulted in the ruling that all copies of Nosferatu be destroyed. However, prints had already been distributed around the world so it was nearly impossible to track them all down, which is why they exist today.

  Stoker passed away in 1912, long before he could see the incredible highs that Dracula was destined to achieve all over the world, as well as the incredible number of changes his character would go through. He never lived to see Lugosi’s gentle vampire take or watch Gary Oldman make Dracula a soppy romantic. Nor did he see the franchise grow into cartoons, comics, and cereals. Dracula was the first vampire sensation. And he never even had to sparkle.

  PHYSICAL IDENTIFIERS

  Now that you have a general idea of some of the vampire lore, it’s time to learn how to spot ’em. Not all vampires are alike. Depending on the bloodline, different vamps will pick up different kinds of vampire traits. Eyes, appendages, and fangs are all passed on through the sire. This leads to a vast array of vampire characteristics.

  Limbs

  Vampires and their limbs usually fall under three different categories: those who sport unpleasant and scaly clawed hands all the time; those who over time have naturally evolved into having human-looking appendages; and those who can shape-shift between the human and beast look.

  The immortal hand is a unique evolutionary feature on the vampire. As the public’s attention has increasingly shifted onto vampires over the years, their physical appearance has needed to evolve. No longer can a lower-level vampire get by with deformed mitts similar to those of Max Schreck’s Count Orlok, unless he has his own gang of lackeys to protect and shield him. Clawed hands with three-inch nails tend to bring unwanted attention down upon a vampire’s head. So although you’ll see the mutated talon hand of ancient times now and again, most vampires have evolved beyond the exposed claw.

  Vampires brazen enough to flaunt the man
gled unholy hand of the devil, so to speak, can usually be classified as Villains (see Chapter 3). Their overall appearance is generally unkempt, cadaverous, and quite frightening, and this extends to their seriously long and lethal fingers and nails. Their fingers appear twice the size of a normal digit, with long fingernails that can grow up to two or even three inches. These talonlike ends are razor sharp and when used with force can open up a neck with the mere wave of a hand. Generally these vampires do not spend a great amount of time interacting with humans—except to eat them—and so don’t see any need to disguise their true form.

  Also noteworthy is the power that vampire beasts have over their appendages. An outstretched vampiric arm can move well beyond a normal human’s reach. Villains often use their Stretch Armstrong- like powers to sneak up on an unsuspecting victim. Ever feel a chilly hand on your back even though the closest person in the room is beyond your reach? Chances are it’s the withered claw of a vampire about to caress your artery from behind. But you’ll never catch him; he can move his body faster than your mere mortal eyes see.6

  Because some species retain the ability to shape-shift, however, a remarkable number of vampires can transform between their less publicly acceptable appearance and their slightly more human shell easily and quickly. Not looking like a scaly-handed beast really helps with day-to-day dealings and even luring in prey.7 It is also a great benefit to vampires looking for love in the human world who may otherwise be shunned, particularly because their human appearance is usually quite pleasing. (And it has been reported that those longer-than-human fingers are quite an asset in the romance department.) But get the creature enraged, excited, or hungry and the claws will come out. And in the case of Villainous Vampires (see Chapter 3), they pack a deadly punch.